Hello everyone, I wanted to share another excerpt from my new book, “Thoughts Around A Bonfire” as we get closer to releasing it. This section is the title track so to speak, titled, “Thoughts Around A Bonfire” and it hits on some hard topics that I would guess most of us struggle with.
If you have not picked up on it yet, this book will be a collection of scattered thoughts and stories that all point toward Jesus, Community, and hope. At the end of the day, I hope these writings leave you encouraged even if they hurt a little in the process. We all need growth and we all need our toes stepped on from time to time.
Enjoy this excerpt.
So, one of the most basic yet practical lessons that God has repeatedly taught me in this ministry is the importance of community and the realization that we are not meant to navigate life alone. While I am grateful for the opportunities to speak at churches and large gatherings, I certainly do not take those moments for granted because God works wonders in those settings, just as He does in more intimate gatherings. We have witnessed some of the most significant moments in small groups of ten to twenty people gathered around a bonfire.
During a recent trip, we had the privilege of speaking to three different youth groups. At the end of the trip, we concluded with a discussion by a bonfire situated in the secluded corner of a church parking lot. Every event during this trip supercharged me, and I saw God move mightily those nights. However, on the final evening, I did not feel as drained as nights previously. Our conversations became spiritual exchanges, where I was both pouring out and being poured into.
This led me to ponder and ask the question: when people spend time with us, do they leave feeling refreshed or exhausted? With certain ministry opportunities, I am aware from the outset that I will need to find a quiet place to retreat and recharge shortly after the event, as I will be expending all my energy on the group. But there are also occasions where I leave feeling rejuvenated because I, too, have been filled. This dynamic applies similarly to one-on-one conversations. There are times when God has placed a difficult message on my heart to share with someone. Without taking the time to be alone with the Father afterwards, I often find myself becoming irritable or feeling burnt out. On the other hand, there are conversations I have with others where I leave feeling refreshed because I get to express my questions and problems, and they speak truth to me.
These conversations are valuable, and it's good to have these people in your life. However, as some conversations exhaust us, we must ensure that we're not just taking and never giving in our friendships. As mentioned earlier, there will be ministry opportunities where you pour out, and like Jesus, you need to get alone with the Father immediately to refill yourself. But when it comes to the people we allow in our circle of close friends, it should be an equal give and take. We can't take on someone else's burdens to the point of hindering ourselves from our own callings. Similarly, we can't unload all of our burdens on someone else and expect them to bear the weight alone. I've been on both sides of this. I often find myself being the friend everyone expects help from, but when I'm going through something, I don't feel like I have anyone to turn to. When I start sharing what I'm going through, the conversation always shifts to their own situation, leaving me to handle both our lives. I've also been the person who unloads all my problems on others without considering what they're going through.
The lesson I've learned from all of this is the importance of saying no. If I'm not in a position to help someone and their words will only add to my own struggles, it's okay to tell them that I can't handle the conversation right now. This is an extreme example, but if my friend is grieving the loss of a parent and I want to talk about losing my job, now is probably not the time. This isn't meant to diminish either situation; it simply sets boundaries.
We need to recognize that the people we turn to when we are feeling low also have their own hard times. If we're not the person they turn to in those moments, we need to give them space. We can't place unhealthy expectations on someone and expect them to be there for us at all times, especially when they're dealing with their own lives. We can't replace God with someone else and feel abandoned when they have to address their own circumstances. I know for kids in the youth group, it is easy to do this unintentionally. You become dependent on your youth pastor, and you reach out to them via calls or texts whenever you have a problem or a question. And that is fine as long as we understand that they will respond in a timely manner because they genuinely love and care for you (or at least they should). I have been in this position, where if I don't respond quickly, the student feels disrespected or unheard.
Proverbs 27:17 "Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." (ESV)
Relationships are meant to be reciprocal. If it seems like people are avoiding making plans with you or are reluctant to spend extended time together, then it may be time to reflect on yourself and pray. Ask yourself the question, "Am I draining to be around?" There is no shame if the answer to this question is yes, as long as you are willing to take action going forward. For me, this has involved not feeling obligated to answer every phone call. It also means having the freedom to decline plans or not engage in conversations focused on self-pity. If you find yourself wanting to complain without having any intention of improving your situation, I encourage you to practice restraint and refrain from complaining.
As for setting boundaries, such as not feeling obligated to respond to every call or text immediately, I have also made an effort to respect the time of others. This typically involves sending a text that says, "When do you have time for a phone call?" when I want to talk to someone. It gives them the option to schedule time together at their convenience, and I have learned that the most fruitful conversations happen when the other person is not caught off guard or put on the spot. It can also involve asking questions and respecting answers. "Hey, I've had a pretty rough day. Is it okay if I talk about it?" This can result in an immediate yes, or it can give your friend an opportunity to share honestly and vulnerably. Perhaps they've also had a difficult day and don't have the capacity to take on yours. Maybe they simply don't have the time right now but would be happy to talk later. Regardless, I've learned that it's best to ask questions and honor the answers.
God will bless us with relationships that help us grow, but we mustn't drain the people in our lives, nor allow ourselves to be drained. Having boundaries is not wrong, and it's okay to say no. We shouldn't take others' no as an insult. The moment someone lacks the energy or time for a conversation, the enemy will try to plant the thought of, "see, they don't even like you, you don't have any friends." We can't let these thoughts win, because then we start to view people as objects for our own benefit instead of fellow humans created in God's image. We need to recognize that if we have the ability to endure tough days, so do others. If there are days when we wouldn't want someone seeking our advice, it's possible that our closest friends also have those days.
Learning mutual respect and honoring boundaries will strengthen our friendships, deepening trust. When I'm having a terrible day, I tend to avoid people I know will drain me, but I seek out friends who are comfortable with silence or sharing funny stories and laughing together. If this is new to you, I encourage you to pay attention to the relationships in your life. Which ones leave you feeling drained, and which ones leave you feeling energized? Are you spending most of your time feeling drained, or energized? Are you able to invest in those you know you should support, or do you find yourself neglecting conversations because you're exhausted by others? I keep discovering beauty in conversations that go on for hours but still leave me feeling energized, and you know that the others who were present feel the same. You can have vulnerability, honesty, and meaningful discussions on challenging topics without leaving yourself or others feeling empty. When community is fostered in a biblical way, you see that these conversations only foster growth and maturity.
I hope you have enjoyed this excerpt from the book and I cannot wait to share the whole thing with you.
I want to apologize for the lack of posts these last few weeks. What started as a vacation with my wife turned into me having some medical issues and having a very minor surgery.
Things are looking up now, I have been resting and healing at home for the last week but I have not been in the best headspace to create content so I have just decided to not worry about it until I can focus on it again. Thank you for your patience and your prayers.
I have a few more trips coming up this year for ministry purposes, I am excited to get back to Pittsburgh and central Florida before the end of the year. With that said, let’s plan some fun stuff for next year. Most of my travels will have to be over the weekend or in the summer because I will be taking some college classes but I am still hoping to get to as many places as I can.
Thanks for reading!